


Dream before an Ocean

by SmoothieSailing



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Dreams, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Grief, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Parent(s), Manga Spoilers, Memories, Sadness, springles - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-07 17:53:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13440102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmoothieSailing/pseuds/SmoothieSailing
Summary: Spiderman: the untold story... lol JK.Connie Springer never got to say goodbye to his family. This story follows him trying to cope, and with some help, find a way to move forward.





	1. 1

The late afternoon Sun burned in the sky covering everything with its amber glow. Summer breeze came and went carrying the smell of lavender and golden grass. Happy siblings throwing horseshoes across the field without a care in the world. Connie Springer lay in the grass, content. He couldn't wait to be a cadet but this was where his heart would always live. 

Ragako was a small village in the southern district of Wall Rose. Hidden from the world in deep, country surrounded by a thick ring of trees. The season's changed, but the community always held things in place. A timeless haven where life came so simply.

Connie was trying to take it all in for the last time, trying to capture the wonder of seeing it for the first time. The joyous bustle of villagers. Fresh harvest in sight. The smell of his mother's cooking was almost enough to make him stay; He knew military food wouldn't compare, but wished it wouldn't be too tasteless. 

He had promised to teach Sunny and Martin how to cartwheel again before he left. He had hope this time.

"You keep bending your back, you've gotta keep it straight when you're upside down. Like THIS!" Connie demonstrates with flawless technique, he figured maybe a cocky attitude would be the right motivation. 

"Alright show off! I think I've got it now..." Sunny said ominously as she took to stage.  
She psyched herself up and gave herself a good run at it. Get's half way and flops to the ground laughing. Connie can't help but laugh too. Sunny was the funniest person he knew and she had such a lanky, noodley torso.  
She was going to be a tall woman, Connie thought to himself.

Martin was sitting close by in the shade. He hadn't joined in the laughter and had been quiet for a while. Connie walked over to him to investigate.  
"Hey Martin, what's wrong I thought you were gonna best me at cartwheeling finally."

"I'm not in the mood.." Martin said in a small voice, not looking up. Connie knew what that look meant. He sat down next to his brother so that it would be easier for him to talk.  
"You're gonna be gone.... when I'm finally old enough to ride a horse. I wanted you and Sunny to be there when I could do it.."

Connie hated seeing his brother so sad. He hated even more that he was going to miss so many of Martin's first experiences. They can be scary and he found that it was always less of a struggle when you weren't alone. 

"Martin, I may not live in the village for a while but that doesn't mean I'm gonna miss something as important as that." Connie rubbed Martin's head.  
"When I've seen enough of the world, I'm gonna come back. You, Me and Sunny are gonna go ride and I'm gonna show you all the cool things i've seen. We'll be fast, we'll go far and we'll be free!" 

Martin looked up at him beaming. "You promise?"  
"I promise." Connie smiled and rubbed Martin's head again.

His parents were outside now with Connie's bag and some baked provisions for the road. It was time to go become the great soldier he'd bragged to everyone about. Connie looked at his family and a sharp feeling dropped in the pit of his stomach. 

"Lets.. lets all of you give me a hug right now, one to last me through all the tough training." He laughed weakly, trying to hide the pain in his voice.  
They all surrounded him. Connie wrapped his arms around them as tightly as he could. His hand on Martin's head, his face buried in his mother's hair. The smell of home. 

The air had stopped moving yet the wind started to howl. Connie pulled them closer and tightened his eyes shut. "Just a little longer.." He said to them, but they didn't respond. 

The wind stopped too and all of a sudden the villagers disappeared. They still stood there in embrace, Connie burying his head between his parents. "Just a little longer... Please.." Connie whimpered, failing to fight back the tears. 

Connie's mother then cradled his head and whispered "Wel... come.. home." In a voice that wasn't his mother's voice.

Connie's wakes up, his eyes open.

 

 

Alone, Connie sits up and slowly motions to the side of his bed. He held his face in his hands, shirt clinging to his body from sweat. He wondered how someone could be so exhausted from sleeping, if you could call that sleeping.

It was the sixth time Connie had had that dream. It would be months between each instance and every time he would assume it would be the last. After the third dream he knew a part of him enjoyed seeing them again, but the hug at the end never got any longer no matter how badly he wanted it or how tightly he squeezed them in his arms. 

He stood up, stretched and took a long considerate look at the state of his quarters. It had gotten very messy in recent weeks. With the new structure of the military came a rank promotion for Connie, and with that, improved living conditions. Personal quarters meant no Bunk mates to give Connie shit about his sleep dancing. However, he was a bit of a slob and missed having someone to help him clean in exchange for cooking lessons. 

Thinking about the mess of his room was a weak distraction from what was really on his mind. He turned to the wall to look at the calendar. There was a reason he had that dream came back to him today of all days. It was the anniversary of his return after years of being away. The day he found his home destroyed by his mother.

"It's... really been a year hasn't it?" Connie couldn't believe how much time had passed. It may have all felt like a confusing blur, but the memory was more vivid than anything that happened to him yesterday. 

Connie hated to think about it. About everything it could mean. They were all gone and he never got to say goodbye. The first few months after that day were the hardest. He would lay awake at night wondering if the rest of his family were still out there wandering around as titans. He would wonder if they were there on the field when they were rescuing Eren from Reiner and Bertholdt. He wondered if he had killed them...

Connie halted himself. He wasn't going to go down that line of thinking and lose his appetite. He had a big day planned and he needed to eat breakfast. He had also promised Sasha he would show up on time today and he wasn't going to break it.

He walked to his mirror and held it up at eye-level. He grabbed his chin then inspected the resistance of small hairs with his fingers. He was in need of a shave. 

"Huh." Connie chuckled. He wasn't sure he would ever grow hair on his face. In recent days the stubble was getting less fuzzy and more pronounced; always gave him a bit of a surprise when he brushed against the grain with his fingers. He considered shaving it for the first time but it wasn't the same as shaving his head. It just felt weird.

After he finished getting dressed, he sat back down on his bed. His hands were shaking but after a few moments he steeled himself. Under his bunk he pulled out a medium sized box labelled 'Family'. 

He opened it and took out a picture of His Mother and Father. Every time he looked into their eyes it was like losing them all over again. He felt the pang in his stomach and had to put the picture down before he was overwhelmed. 

He slightly regretted looking at that picture again but he couldn't help himself. It had become a sort of routine after he had that dream. Looking at them in this picture, wondering what they would look like now. Their reactions to the stories he would tell them about his training and the insane first few months after graduation. He settled on believing it was to comfort himself, but it never brought him the comfort he was looking for. 

Connie centred himself with the memory of his resolve not to be late. He stood up and headed towards the door. He reached the door, put his hand on the handle and paused.  
"I'm... coming home today, Martin." He said to himself under his breath. 

He pulled the handle and stepped out of his quarters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah yes, the much anticipated (by no one) climax to my first work. 
> 
> This is the story in balamory. Also Connie and Sasha feature I guess... enjoy.

Bright early afternoon sun. It wasn't an obvious unbearable heat, but that stealthy tolerable heat. Given enough time it would wear you down and slow cook you, leaving a nice warm feast for the buzzards. They hadn't been riding nearly long enough for that to happen, but her mind tended to wander like this when she was bored.

Sasha Blouse was beginning to regret her decision to sneak off for the day with Connie. She wanted to lie back on on her horse and stare at the sun, maybe she'd be able to notice it moving. Only she knew that was stupid thing to do. She would go blind and never see this mystery destination they were trotting towards.

"So.. where are we going?" Sasha tried to hide her restlessness

"It's a surprise." Connie gives her her nothing to work with, that just wouldn't do.

"No it's not, I can always guess your surprises. Why do you look so grumpy?" She thought right amount of teasing would get some information out of him

"I'm not grumpy." Connie scoffed "I'm concentrating I need to get my bearings."

Sasha considered that for a moment. "I think.. you've gotten sick of fantasizing and want to commit the first of a long line of serial murders."

Connie stared at her ominously for a while. Until his mouth crinkled and they both laughed at the image of _Killer Connie._ He could never stay in character when he had to look her in the eyes.

"We could have at least gotten breakfast first!" Sasha now had an idea why she wasn't feeling this adventure.

"We had breakfast ...and lunch." Connie shook his head in knowing disbelief

"See the fact that I don't remember shows how much time has passed!"

"It really doesn't." Connie said flatly. "Besides I brought some snacks for later.. I'm surprised you can't smell them."

"You stole food?!" Sasha voiced her alarm and some her excitement slipped out by mistake

"No I cooked them using this recipe book that Armin gave to me after I found him reasearching-"

"YOU can COOK?"

"Yeh." This soothed Connie's ego, but she was too affronted to care

"Why don't I know this?" All the things he could have cooked for her

"It just never came up." He shrugged and grinned, _this fucking kid_ she thought

"Since when do you cook?" She wouldn't let it go, this secret had cost her so many delicious meals

"Since always." he dodged

"No you haven't. I'm your best friend and I know everything about you."

"..." Connie ran out of patience, he breathed a sigh and went back to staring at the country in front of them. Sasha was confused, it didn't seem like something offensive to say.

They were back to trotting along together in silence. She had never had such a strong bond with anyone else; it used to be that their happiness would bounce off each other endlessly. There were times when she felt like she could read his mind, this was not one of those times.

She wasn't used to this hanging silence between them. It was a silence for strangers or the silence when an animal sensed danger. It was unnatural, Connie was so different from his usual self. Although it had been like this for so long that Sasha  had to refer to it as just Connie's self.

Recently he'd been showing up to breakfast with red eyes one gets after crying, if he showed up at all. During training, there were these moments while they were sparring together or he'd stuck a landing with the gear. He'd stop what he was doing and stare into the distance. She and Connie had problems with spacing out but this was different, they weren't happy places he was going to. He was exhausted but not from the work, it looked like pain was making him tired.

"AH!" A noise bursted out of Connie that startled Sasha. He had spotted what he was looking for.

"Okay. You're bored. I'm bored. That's boring. Let's fix that." Connie now had confidence like he knew the world's greatest secret.

"You see that build up of trees over there?" Connie pointed to the to something in the distance.

Sasha had perfect vision but a boring target had a slight blinding effect. "Yeah I can see it I guess."

"I'll umm.. I'll race you to it. First to get to the end of those trees has dibs on that smoked ham sand-"

Sasha bolted and Connie followed closely behind, her purpose in life had never been more clear. She would have that sandwich and she would make him curse the day he doubted her resolve. Although... Connie was a way better rider than she was. _Was he even trying to win?_ She wondered.

She decided not to care, she was hungry and the end was in sight. But so was something else... She slowed her horse down to a gentle stop at the end of the trees. It was a village. No one was around and doors on the houses were open. Many of the buildings were damaged or destroyed, here were no signs of life.

"Wuh... happened here... where are.." Sasha was scared, she didn't know what was happening or where they were.

"Ragako." Connie pulled up beside her, he seemed calm but he was sitting very rigidly on his horse. "This... was my home."

 _Home_. The home Connie lost a year ago. Everyone he'd ever known turned into titans. She remembered the day he came back when he found out. He spoke to no one. She gave him his space and read the report. She had no words then, she had none now. She was searching his face for an explanation.

"Sorry for not really preparing you for this." He looked down at the floor awkwardly "The race was dumb and weird... I thought I could make it a little lighter."  He then looked at the buildings furthest away from Sasha

"I didn't want to just come back here slow enough for me to just relive the... I didn't want to think about coming back and drinking it all in."

Sasha was calming down. Connie was incoherent and not making complete sense. Maybe if she let him keep taking, he would calm himself down.

"You see... This is the first time I've come back...since the last time I came back.." Connie was struggling to breathe consistently

"Connie." Sasha tried to get him to look at her. She had to reach him and reassure him that he was safe. After some time, Connie was calm enough to get across what he wanted to say.

"There's something I have to do. Something here. I brought you with me because... I couldn't come here alone. It was too much for me every time I tried." Connie looked defeated after he said this, like he felt ashamed. Sasha could tell where some of the shame was coming from but not all of it.

Connie's horse had drifted away with his speech but he ushered it back again. He was closer this time and he looked her in the eyes. "I know it's a big ask, and I could have done a better job selling this... but will you help me do this thing... please?"

Connie was looking at Sasha in a way he'd never done before. Or she was seeing him in a way she'd never seen him before. She couldn't tell which but she was sure something in this moment had changed. They had shared a lot in the past but nothing like this. Connie asked that of her and it felt like they were the only people in the world. The only two who could share something so real and so delicate.

Sasha was scared and confused, but also still. As overwhelming as this was, she could see him. A part of him that she knew no one else would ever see. Whatever happened next, she trusted him now and that was all she needed.

"Of course I'll help you, moron." Connie was relieved to hear her say that.

She smiled weakly. _Maybe not the best choice of words_ She thought to herself as they urged their horses onward.

 

 

Sasha and Connie trotted along one of the paths moving further into the village. She was struggling to get a picture of this village being full of titans. Much of it looked untouched and the houses looked so cozy despite the varying degrees of damaged they had suffered. Everything seemed fit peacefully with the nature around it.

Sasha's mind went to a moment when she was eight years old. Her father had taken her to watch a herd of deer grazing in a clearing. It had taken hours for them to get close enough unnoticed. The beauty of the clearing had stayed with her, the deer could all be in this spot and they were adding to the peace somehow. Everything was just shared and it all just fit together. _Why was she thinking about that memory now?_ That question was enough to wake Sasha up on her horse from her daydream.

They trotted along until they reached a horse stable. Connie seemed slightly more animated at the sight of it. He jumped off of his horse and ran over to a bunch of rocks near the stable. He lifted one of them picked up the key underneath it. He unlocked the water trough and poured fresh water in it.

"I can't believe it was still there." Connie shook his head at the stone "Humphry was the stable master, he always kept the key in the same place.  Those horses must be thirsty, lets give them some time to drink." Connie beckoned and walked back into the stable.

Sasha let her horse dunk it's head in the trough. She looked around the stable as she gave the horse an encouraging stroke. It was an unusually cozy stable, the colours inside were very soothing. Sasha believed that if she were a horse, this would be a cool place to crash for a night or two.

She looked to the right and noticed maybe six horse bits hung up. She investigated one of them and something engraved on the side: _Milky._ She looked at the others and indeed there was something engraved on each of them: _Boogy, Gromit, Sweet tooth, Lily, Stomper... and Brian._ These must have been the names of the horses that lived here. The stable master had tailored their possessions right down to the things they put in their mouths.

She even saw a pile of Horse rags on the other side of the stable. The one at the top labelled _Milky_ also, they seemed to be knitted from fabric. This Humphry person was a loving rare gem of a person, she wished she could have met him.

"So you knew him well?" Sasha wanted to know what she could about this gentle soul

"Yep. I mentored here as soon as I was tall enough to ride a horse." Connie was almost beaming "I'd help look after the stable and I'd get to ride them out of the village. This was back when there was no danger of being titan food."

He walked over to Sasha and pointed to some high ground about a mile away. "Over there in those hills just off west. Every time I got to go, I'd take a look back. there's a great view of the village from there."

Connie almost stopped himself, but continued to share anyway. She was glad he decided not to stop, as she was hanging on the details of his life.

 "Yeah, each time I'd go further and each time I'd look back to see home get smaller in the view. It was kind of addictive, I don't know why..." He made a face like he forgot where he was for a moment.

"Umm yeah Humphry was like the most knowledgeable person there has ever been for any subject. Anything you could know about horses, he knew it.... Jean would have liked him." Sasha snorted. _Jokes, funny jokes_ , _this is a good sign._

 _"..._ Yeah a lot of lovely memories here... If I hadn't joined the military I probably would have taken over for Humphry." His face suddenly dropped, like there was a bad taste in his mouth. "...I probably could have given him a real riding lesson if I'd done that."

"Humphry needed riding lessons?" Sasha's nostalgia contact high was replaced by confusion

"Oh... no not him... we should probably move on now..." Connie made half a step towards the exit before gasping. "Crap.. uhh hang on I need to get something ."

He ran to the backroom. Sasha was upset that such a nice moment had left her feeling dejected, she chose to wait for him outside. She wondered if she'd get to see that place on the hills before the sun went down.

Connie came out of the room holding an old horse shoe. "This should come too." Connie mumbled to the floor. Sasha wasn't sure he was talking to her when he said that. He walked over to his horse, pulled a box out of one of the bags and put the horse shoe inside. He took the bag off of the horse and put it on his back.

He walked over to Sasha. "Right ... well I guess we'll just umm." Connie pointed towards a path, fidgeted with his hands before heading down it.

Sasha assumed he wanted her to follow but he was at the same time acting like she wasn't really there. He lit up when he talked about his time at the stable but he was being so erratic. _What was that back there? Why didn't he mention any of that before? Why was he drifting in and out like that? What are we doing here?_ These questions were not going to leave her mind but she had committed to being there for her friend. Tentatively, she followed him down the bad path. _Har har_ she chuckled to herself, even now she could make bad puns.

 

 

They were strolling along the path and Sasha could hear the breeze whistling through some of the houses. The holes were getting more numerous and the piles of rubble were getting larger. They were in what had been the more populated part of the village. That last thought and the sounds Sasha could hear made it feel haunted.

She looked at Connie, the last time he was here it was probably full of people and he didn't have to avoid stepping in debris. He would have known just neighbours and their homes. She considered that maybe his silence was to pay his respect, so she would do so as well. 

"Oh the bakery!" Connie startled her again, _did she misinterpret his silence?_

"Look it's over there by the Milton's house - umm that smaller beige house on the right.."

Sure enough there it was, a small detached cottage close to the beige house. It was difficult for her to look at. Even now, an abandoned bakery could evoke a uniquely deep sadness within her.

"Very popular place to go in town, especially after fresh harvest. That's when we can make the a better variety of food." Connie was drawing out the shape of the food that he couldn't remember the names of.

"Although between you and me, it never beat my mum's cooking. She is the one who taught me my legendary skills. She used to work there actually, before she met dad.."

Sasha loved the way he talked about his past. Even though the people were gone, Connie could paint such a vivid picture of them with his words. As she looked at the houses now, she could see past the damage to the lasting impressions of the people who lived there. Every building fit with the one next to it. The people shared the peace with nature and it gave her such a warm feeling.

She looked at the grass in the village, how it gently drifted in the wind without resistance. Flowing like locks of hair. She hadn't seen it for herself, but she knew that life here was happy and peaceful. She was certain of it.

"...That was the last time I tried to harvest stinging nettles. In my defence, I really did think I it looked like wheat at the time." Connie facepalmed at his past self. "But hey, that's childhood. You learn by being a fucking idiot, my mum was pretty cool about it though, she-"

Connie stopped in front of a house at the end of the path. The roof was gone completely as if it had been blown away. Sasha knew where they were. She looked at Connie for an indication of what to do next.

"Right." Connie mumbled to himself after while. He walked through open doorway, pushing the larger pieces of rubble out of his way. Sasha followed him after she took a minute to calm herself. They were out of sync again.

Connie was in the first room of the house. He was diligently sorting through the rubble and broken furniture for something. Sasha wanted to ask what he was looking for but he seemed to not want to be disturbed. He had a very stoic look on his face. He never looked up at her, or up at all. Not once.

Sasha felt an urge to look up. She didn't want to, but Connie had shut her out again and she felt idle in this house not knowing what anything was or where they were. Slowly her neck crept upwards.

She saw the open sky, the edges of the broken roof in the corner of her eye. The sky was beautiful but the pieces of a broken home were part of the picture. _Is this what she saw?_ Sasha remembered the part of the report concerning how Connie's mother was found. She remembered the discovery about the truth of the titans. _She was trapped here, alone. Staring out waiting for help that never came._

Sasha brought her head back down again. It was too much, too overwhelmigly tragic. _No wonder Connie was silent_. Words couldn't express what she imagined it to be. Connie must have been going through hell. In solidarity, she decided not to look up again.

She noticed another door in the room. She walked through it to a corridor of other rooms, the first had Connie's name on it. Curiosity won an arduous battle with respecting privacy and she opened the door to step inside. Besides the rubble, it wasn't as messy as she thought it would be. His parents probably cleaned it once he had gone, but they had kept his stuff here all these years. _They knew he would come back_. Sasha hated the bittersweet taste of that thought, so she left the room.

The corridor was relatively untouched and well preserved. She walked along, lightly brushing the wall with her fingers. There wasn't even that much dust. Her finger met some markings on the wall and she stopped to read: _Sonny aged 10._ Next to it was _Connie aged 12._ They were almost level. Sonny was Connie's little sister, Sasha remembered. _Hmmm Maybe not so much littler.._

The corridor led to a back door. Sasha stepped outside to see the back garden and her mouth dropped. The fence was made up of the tallest trees in the village. It was like a lake of yellow grass almost glistening in the light. She was back at that clearing with her father watching the deer.

"It's really something isn't it." Connie had joined her outside to take credit for the beauty of his garden. He was holding that strange box in his hands.

"You got to wake up everyday and see this." Sasha stroked the grass like a delicate new born foal. "I don't know why you decided to leave when you had this."

"Well I suppose you don't know what you have until it's gone." Sasha looked away, guilty for making him say that.

There was a shaded area under the trees to the left that caught her eye. She walked over to it and saw that the grass was a bit worn. She could tell that this particular area had been trod upon a lot compared to the other parts of the garden.

"Was this the best spot in the garden to play?" She looked back at Connie, venturing her guess out loud.

Connie seemed like he was in a more open mood than he was in the house, but he was searching for words and fidgeting again. He seemed like he was debating whether or not to share something.

"Come on." Sasha spoke softly. "Please let me in."

"Well... that's just the place where I used to teach Sony and Martin how to cartwheel." He awkwardly made the pose for the midway spin of a cartwheel.

"Cartwheeling?" Sasha recoiled in surprise "Huh, I never thought cart wheeling to be something difficult enough to teach.." Sasha got up and took a deep breath. She gives it a good run, gets to half a cart and flops to the ground.

"Haha, I stand corrected." She spread her limbs out pretending to swim in the grass.

She looked over at Connie and saw him crying.

"What's wrong?" Sasha was yet again confused, this was a happy moment. She had no idea what she did for him to start crying.

"It's not- it's nothing." Connie could barely speak through his hands and his tears. Sasha was annoyed of this back and forth.

"No Connie. It isn't nothing. Something is wrong, and you need to talk about it because you can't keep switching like this. I'm not saying it has to be me. But you said you couldn't do whatever it is you're doing without me. I'm you're best friend. Please. Talk."

Defeated. Connie breathed a deep sigh. He picked up his box, walked over and sat down next to her in the shade. The sun had begun to set. Sasha wasn't going to push him again, so for a bit, they just looked at the sky through the tree leaves.

"Four years ago, I left the village. Just before that, I was sitting right where you were, telling Martin that I would come back to see him and take him for a ride. I told them all I would come back soon." Sasha turned her head slightly towards him, she thought looking directly at him might discourage him.

"Three years ago. Training took up so much time, but I kept writing in my letters that I'd make a day to come back. But that day never came." Connie's thumb traced the seal of the box, maybe it was a way of steadying himself.

"Two years ago. I knew the structure better but I kept putting it off actually making a day to do it. I wrote letters meaning to send them, and also not meaning to. So I'd put them in this box."

Sasha wanted to reach for his hand, bust still she wouldn't let herself startle him. He had to come to her.

"One year ago. I was going to do it. Finally, despite the shame I felt for leaving it so long. Then the entire village was destroyed... by the villagers. My parents... my family... they died thinking I didn't care."

"Connie..." She didn't know what to say.

"Now. I keep having the same nightmare about the last time I saw them. If not that, I barely get any sleep at all. The guilt only allows me a little time to close my eyes." Connie was looking at her now.

"I can never take that back. I can't undo it no matter how hard I try in my dreams. There's no escape. I am the worst person in the world."

"That's... that's not true..." It was all she could say, and she couldn't even say it convincingly.

"It is and I am." Connie took another deep breath and looked away again.

"Because I know why. Why I kept riding so far away. Why I joined the military. Why I stopped sending my letters ..." Sasha could hear tear drops on the box in Connie's hands.

"A part of me.. wanted to forget them, To forget this place. To get as far away as I could." Connie pointed at the highground in the distance.

"I'd be on that hill looking at the village . It was so small and the world around it was so big. The village got smaller the further I went each time."

Sasha had to try now, she had to. "Connie... everyone feels like that sometimes about home. You grow up and you want to see the world beyond what you already know.. It doesn't make you a monster."

"Then why did it become real?" Connie fired back. "I broke that promise, I wished so hard for them to be gone and now they're gone."

Sasha closed her eyes. She didn't know what to say or how she felt. _Did she agree with him?_

"They're gone, that's it. I got that wish even if it's not what I wanted. Now the only way to move on is to accept the reality."

"...and what reality is that?" Sasha didn't hide her concern for Connie's tone and words. Connie lifted up the box and opened it, picking out what was inside.

"This is a horse shoe of the first horse I ever rode. This is one of Martin's teddy bears, the only one I could get from the rubble. This is Sonny's necklace, and this is a picture of my parents, probably the only one left." _His mother was beautiful,_ Sasha thought.

"In a few weeks, we're going on to see that ocean that Armin talked about. A giant lake with no bottom. I'm going to throw this box in there."

"WHAT!" Sasha was looking him in the eyes now. "You... that's all you have left. You can't."

"No. I _CAN'T_ live like this anymore. I can't live with this anymore. I have to just accept that they're gone. This is what I have to do." Sasha could hear it in his voice that he didn't want this.

"Connie... this isn't what you want."

"YES IT IS!" He was yelling at her, but she wouldn't budge."They're gone! These THINGS are all I have. I don't even have their bodies!" He grabbed one of them, she suspected it was probably the one causing the most shame.

"All I have is this picture! This fucking picture that I can't hug! I can't apologize to a picture! A picture can't forgive me!" The frame cracked in his hands.

That startled them both. She took the picture and the box and placed them beside her. She guided his arms around her, cradled his head and let him cry. She let him cry until she had found the words and she was sure he could hear them.

"Connie. I didn't know your family but I know you. I know you don't want to do this. You loved your family so much and they loved you. Please don't do this." She could feel him breathing slower and calmer, she took that as a good sign to carry on.

"If you do this, it's you on the hill all over again. You're still trying to run away. Bad things happen when you live in dreams Connie. Either make them real, or let them go." Connie sniffed and sat up to look at her.

"What do I do... I just don't know what to do." He looked at her and the cracked picture on the floor. He must have been talking to them as well.

Sasha suddenly knew. She knew how to help him. " What you need is closure. You never got a chance to say goodbye, that's what's important. Not accepting this _truth_. But you still can."

"What... how?" Connie looked at her utterly confused.

Sasha looked away from him to the garden in front of her. This miracle of nature, so peaceful and warm. She was certain of what needed to be done now. "I think... you should bury them, here in this garden. I think they would have wanted to be resting close to home."

Connie sat back in overwhelm and disbelief. "You're right... that is what they would want. Of course that's what they would want, even Martin." He looked at the box and pondered for a moment.

"Okay there's a shovel in the house I think." Connie was sounding sure of himself again, this small step was enough to lift her spirits.

"Are there two?" she asked

"Probably, why?"

"Because I'm going to help you silly, I promised didn't I?" Sasha stood up. "Here's a good spot, the grass is a lot shorter."

 

 

 

The sun was setting slowly, an amber cloak for the sun's heat. Sasha couldn't remember the last time she used a shovel. Not exactly difficult to remember: _stab, stomp, dig,repeat._ Neither of them wanted to ruin the garden so they went for making each grave as deep as the shovel head rather than six feet. Four graves in total.

Sasha had convinced Connie not to bury his only picture of his parents. Instead, he'd bury half the unsent letters in his mother's grave and the other half in his father's grave. It wasn't good to hold onto those anyway. Each time Connie filled a grave back up with dirt, he placed his hand on the grave. He got up and stood next to Sasha in front of all four when they were done.

"So now what?" Connie looked at Sasha for an indication of what to do next.

"Well... now you can say goodbye Connie."

"Right. Yeah. Okay." He spoke low.

"I'll be right here." Sasha said as she stepped to the side.

"Mum... Dad.. Hi. It's been a while and I'm so sorry for that." He paused for a few seconds until he found what he needed to say, what he had always needed to say.

"I look back on my life and of all the things I've learned, the most important lessons were from you. _Be kind to all, share what you have and what you love_. _Help People._ I never would have guessed that a big part of being a soldier was accepting help rather than not needing it."

He turned to look at Sasha, he smiled then back at the grave."Thank you for teaching me that it's good to need people and help those in need. That made me strong."

Sasha stepped a little closer, she couldn't help but feel connected to what was happening. Connie walked over to Sonny's grave, tentatively. Tears streaming down his face.

"Sonny... you had such an amazing spirit. You saw the brightest, funniest side in everything. There will never be a person who can make me laugh harder than you could. You couldn't cartwheel for shit, but it was always fun trying to teach you. You would have made so many friends as a cadet. My commander Hange would have taken a shine to you, and you her. Thank you for always being yourself and never apologizing for it." Connie wiped more tears from his eyes. He was now standing right next to Sasha and in front of Martin's grave.

Connie paused again and went for the final piece he held onto. "Martin... you felt everything with all your heart. It made you wiser than your years at times. It gave you this unique view of life and its beauty, obvious and hidden. You could dream enough for the both of us. Unfortunately... they are always going to stay dreams. But I swear to you, I am going to see the world for you. You gave me the courage. to leave home Martin, and now you're giving me the courage to say goodbye to home. Thank you. Thank you for being a dreamer." "All of you, thank you for being my family."

 Sasha was crying. She held Connie's hand before his speech to Martin but she wasn't sure he noticed until the end. They turned to each other and embraced.

"So... was that good."

"Stop talking." Sasha fired back. They stopped hugging but Connie didn't let go of her hand.

"Sasha... I just wanted to say that-"

"It's okay.. I already know." She was done pushing him, he'd just gone a mile by himself.

They made their way out of the garden and headed for the horses. "Sasha... there's still enough time before the sun sets completely. Do you wanna see the view of the village from high up there?"

"Yeah.. I would like that a lot." _It would be nice to end this adventure with an actual adventure_ , she thought.

They got to their horses and Connie remembered the food he bought to eat later. It was later now. "Here... you won it anyway haha." Connie made air zig zags with the smoked ham sandwich.

"Actually, for once I'm not hungry... well that's not true. I just really want to catch this view and I don't want the food to slow me down."

"Okay lets hurry, I remember a good short route." They saddled up, Sasha took one more look back before setting off.

"Okay.. maybe just one bite." Sasha was actually starving. Connie handed the whole sandwich over to her, knowingly shaking his head.

 

 

 

 

 

They made it to the top of the hill just a few minutes before the sun set. Sasha slowly trotted to the best spot. Every word Connie said was true, you could see the world from here. But you could also see this lovely community of people. A collection of homes, hidden from the world in deep country. Surrounded by a ring of trees. Simple. Natural. Timeless.

"It never get's old." Connie rode up beside her. "Even when I was up here and I wanted to leave.. something about the way the light hits it. It was always home. always."

"No this could never get old." Sasha turned to him. She thought he was talking about the village but he was looking right at her. She wondered how that made her feel.

"I'm glad you booked leave for us to come here."

"Wut?" Connie had a blank expression on his face "Oh... no... well we're going to be in shit when we get back."

"This was your day out!" She couldn't believe it

"I told you I hadn't prepared this properly. Haha ..whoops."

Sasha shook her head. _This fucking kid._ "Okay well we should hurry back now then."

Connie made to move down the hill, Sasha followed until she remembered why she had to come here in the first place. "Wait hang on, you go ahead. I'll catch up. I need to see it for a little longer."

Connie beamed at her. "Okay sure, take all the time you need."

He rode off and Sasha trotted to the spot one last time. She looked directly at Ragako."Thank you." "Thank you for giving me Connie."

She rode off to catch up with him, the sun had set.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
